Mood change

I didn’t get presale tickets, so I’m pissed. I don’t want to have to fight to the death on general sale day. Hopefully all the presale goes out, so there are less people for gen sale - probably not because the fandom of this damn group is insane. 

ALSO. To make matters worse, I checked my marks on my Infant Development class. There was a group evaluation on the project and I was told to “give everyone a perfect so we’ll all have great marks! :)” I go online and check, I got an 80%. Yeah an 80% is really good.. but not when I gave people 100%s. I was told to give 100%. Are you fucking kidding me? For this to happen, either someone gave me a 0 or two people gave me 50%……….. I felt like I contributed a good amount to this project. Why the fuck did I give a 100% to a girl that didn’t do a lot of shit, and when needed, was no where to be found? The fuck. Fucking hell. This is bullshit. 

So now I don’t know if I want to stay on campus to attempt to get tickets later on, or if I want to go home to a non-internet area. 

I also have bad cramps. 

Dreams vs. Reality

I hate losing parts of your memory. Especially when you have the most amazing dream. You try your best to remember it, you write it down, tell other people, but the sincerity and realness of it slowly disappears throughout the day, as it should. Because after all, it was only just a dream. But why is reality so displeasing? These dreams toy with our minds and give us the temporary or perceived reality of something else. Something we long for. Then we wake up, and these realities are snatched away from us, from our memories. It isn’t fair. 

Random fact:

When I was little, I would eat my food in patterns. For example: chicken nugget kids meal from McDs. Bite chicken nugget, chew 3 times, swallow, eat 2 french fries, take one sip of drink, then repeat. I don’t know why I did that and I eventually grew out of it. My OCD now shows in paperwork. I hate wrinkled paper, folded corners of paper, doodling on paper, or when someone else marks up my paper. You will die. I also cannot scribble out words when I make a mistake, it is essential that I have white out, or else I’ll redo the whole thing. But haaay, I recycle. 

I don’t know how some people can go days without speaking to their parents. I call my mom at least 3 times a day… I miss living at home and just having the comfort knowing that both my parents are across the hall or downstairs. I would always know what they’re doing, so now instead, I have to call every x hours. I love my parents :3

Random fact:

One of my fears is finding old/bad milk. I don’t want to see it, I don’t want to smell it, I don’t want to taste it. No one really wants to do any of those, but I really, really don’t want to… it’s stops me from buying milk a lot of the time.

Dating

I don’t know what it is, but I’ve been feeling really lonely lately. Tonight I went out with the girls and we just saw couples everywhere, or kept seeing potential date activities. I mean, I’m not the type of person that can’t live without a boyfriend, but I think I need a change in my life. My last relationship wasn’t as complete, as I’d hope. He was so far away from me, so how could we have been? It was intimate on an emotional level, but it’s hard being in a LDR, sometimes you need that physicality as well. I just really want to go on some dates, and meet someone that I can get along with. Life, give me something to work with.

Tattoos

I think I’ve blogged about this before, but the thought still pops in and out of my mind. I don’t have anything against anyone that has tattoos, it’s just sometimes the placement is interesting. For women especially, I know that the tattoos across the lower abdomen/stomach are becoming more… frequent(?) nowadays. I’m not talking like on the side of your abdomen, I’m talking like flat out from one hip to another, crossing the bottom of your stomach. If you plan on having children, that shit is going to stretch, maybe even to the point where the tattoo is unrecognizable. Also, if you have c-section, the whole picture is going to be cut off? The across-the-chest tattoos are interesting as well. I feel like it’s just too.. in your face? I like the bear chest look. Call me old fashioned, I guess.

Again, trying not to get hate here, just thoughts flowing through my mind. If you have tattoos here, more power to you! Some people can pull off these tattoos very well, it just makes me think though how everyone is going to look like 50 years from now. As well, I guess I’m the type of person that can’t commit to something so permanent on my body, especially in the important (?) places. 

Random post about spam.

I made spam this morning before I had to go to class. While I was frying this salty goodness, a splash of grease flew out of the pan and onto my bare foot. I was unable to wipe it off, as I was upstairs and all of my paper towels were downstairs, so I had to run down to my kitchen, whilst it was eating away at my skin, to wipe it off. I didn’t have any polysporin to put onto my foot, so I just rubbed lotion and put a bandaid over it. It stung. I was sad. I don’t know why, but stuff like this is a common occurrence in my life. 

if you haven’t noticed, I am procrastinating… I don’t want to finish this methods paper :)

Random thought of the night

If I were to ever be skinny, I think I would have a serious issue. I would be in so much debt/so broke from buying clothes. I already buy a lot of clothes, but if I were a little less fat, I’d buy out all of the stores…. 

I’m extremely nostalgic right now

and it’s making me super sad. I’m looking through photos of high school and I just miss everything. I miss how easy life was. In all of the photos that I took, everyone seemed so care free and happy. I miss my friends that I barely get to see nowadays, don’t even talk to some of them, at all. I miss socializing with these friends, everyday at lunch, in class when we’re supposed to do work, on the bus, wherever. 

Above all else, I miss me. I used to be happy with how I was. Believe it or not, I was confident in myself, finally happy with my weight), my hair was fabulous (haha.. but really), and I just look… better. I look happier and healthier. Where is that girl that I see in these photos? This isn’t life. Life can’t be like this. I can’t change into someone I don’t want to be. Day to day, you think “nothing has changed at all, I’m still me, I’m still the same person” and then it’s when you look back, everything has changed, life is almost unrecognizable, like it was in another lifetime.

Paulina, what are you doing to yourself? Who are you? I need to make a change. I want to be that girl again. The girl that’s happy and self confident, the girl that smiles at everything. So friends, please be patient with me in my venture to become that girl again. I don’t know if I’ll ever be her again.

I just wanna live my life.

I wanna just get my life up and running. Obviously I am ‘living’ right now, but I want to have my own house, job, family, spouse, all that jazz. It’s a shame because these years that I have right now, are supposed to be the ‘best years of my life’ but I just want to be finished school and actually have some sort of security. I don’t know what I want to 100% with my life after school… does anyone really? That scares me, so in my mindset, I just want to fast forward through all of these decisions and just live. I know I’ll regret thinking this, just like I do now looking back at my childhood, when I wanted to grow up. This is a poisonous mindset, but I just can’t stop.

Definitely getting my period soon. Nipples hurt like a bitch, cramps to the max, and I’m emotional as fuh. Cried listening to Demi Lovato, lmfao.

Oh, and I’m also probably going to be posting a lot of music in the next few hours/days. Music is just so good right now.

I hate backpacks.

I always switch to a tote bag, to a one shouldered messenger bag, to a regular two strap shoulder backpack. I always, always switch, and I’m always, always dissatisfied. As much as I hate them, I need to carry one. I don’t know how people don’t carry one. Even in high school, people only brought like a pencil/pen and eraser, then mooch off people for paper. I would feel so unorganized and gross - my OCD talking. How do you not carry one?!? Crazy people I tell yah, crazy people.

Who I am

I often wonder if I am meant to be the person I am today. Like it was destined for me to act the way I act, or think the way I think. I always wonder, who I would be if I didn’t grow up where I did, if I didn’t move from Toronto, or even if my parents immigrated to somewhere different - like the US. Would I have the same insecurities? Would I prioritize my life the way I do? Would I be better than myself, or would I be worse off than I am at this very moment? Little things shape the way I am and who I am, but I still always wonder who I would be if something so minuscule had changed in my life. Somewhere out there, there is someone that could have been me.

My guava was rotten…

So my dad bought me 4 guavas last sunday for me to eat. They’re one of my favourite fruits, and I know its odd because they have so many seeds or whatever. I was very excited to eat them all, so I decided to make them last during the week. I go to eat my beloved last one.. and boom it was rotten. ALREADY. So yes, that is my crisis this evening, because I really want some guava. I just want some cold fruit in general… I like refrigerated fruits.