Paulina | 082592 | Canada;705/519+A certain someone finally came home, after being away for a long while. He wouldn’t get out of his stinky clothes and fell asleep on my bed. I kept nagging at him and he just lied there holding my hand. After struggling to pull myself away from him, I finally got out of my bed and went through my drawer to get him something more comfortable. I didn’t want to bother him too much, because I knew he was absolutely exhausted. I took off his shoes and blazer, and he got up to dress himself. We just lied there together, for the first time in months, holding each other and caressing each other. Sharing those longed-for gentle kisses, every few minutes. This was what love felt like. When he was away, it was so bad, but when he was here with me, it was so good. We were the only two that existed in this whole world. This bed, our hands, our hearts, that’s what mattered. He was here with me, now. I can finally touch him, smell him, be with him. That’s all I ever wanted, that’s all I will ever want.
I need to go to a doctor asap
There are too many things wrong with my body. I don’t even know where to begin. I suppose I should go soon because I’ve been putting this off for quite some time, and things are getting worse. Hm.
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Senior Prom 2010
Dear Lord this was forever ago. I’m sad that my hair turned out the way it did that day :( Otherwise, give me back this body.
+I legitimately entered about 20 different contests, just now.. I hope to win one, even if it’s the $50 gift card to Walmart… I could buy a lot of shit. I have the worst luck with contests, but I am going to stay optimistic. Of course, the one I want to win the most is the 1D meet & greet tickets or the vacation to Fiji/Hawaii/Japan/UK/France/Vancouver… yes I entered that many. Wish me luck!
Dear tumblr,
You can only put up a front for so long, before it all comes crumbling down, in front of everyone to see. I don’t know how to control my emotions. I can’t think properly, I can’t function at all. Every noise I hear, I get my hopes up, only to have them crushed. I don’t know how to act like around ___. It breaks my heart knowing that he’s hurting and feels hopeless. I couldn’t even bring myself to sit with ___. I am a horrible person. We all cope with it in different way. I pretend like everything is fine. I pretend like I am okay and that this is not affecting me. I wish it didn’t have to come back to this shit. I wish so hard. Everything was fucking great. Why’d you have to go fuck it all up? I shouldn’t blame you, but I do. I fucking do. I blame multiple people. You know, I’m not usually a suicidal person. I am in no way thinking about actually ending my life. But if I died, I don’t think I’d care. And I’m not going to lie, I think about it, and have been thinking about it a lot lately. I could never bring myself to do it though, so don’t worry friends. I can barely tell anyone wtf is really going on with me, because it brings so many complications. So my only outlet is tumblr. As I’m sitting here typing whatever comes into my mind, tears fall down my face. I am not in the right mind to even study for this fucking exam that I have. It is the most important one of the semester may I add. I don’t know. I’ve dealt with this shit for forever. I still don’t know how to deal. It’s only a matter of time. If it doesn’t get better, I don’t know who I will be, I don’t know what I will do. It’s pretty pathetic that I’m just venting my whole life to a blog, but what can you do. It is what it is. Life sucks.
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I love pictures that capture moments like this.
My dad was kind of a hard ass when I was younger. Don’t get me wrong, he still is, but I guess since we’re older he knows that he and my mom have raised us as best as they can. My dad is a funny guy, he has a sneaky sense of humor.
Why do I love this photo so much? It puts it all out there. You can see his warm heart and humor through his smile. He’s genuinely happy here. Every time I look at this picture I can hear his laugh.
This will forever be my favourite picture of my dad.
+I’m surprised I’m not a bulimic or anorexic person yet.
My parents nag me about every other day “oh your legs are double the size of your mom” “you’d be so pretty if you didn’t have your fat” “if she wants to be beautiful she’ll do it herself” “i guess she doesn’t want to be beautiful”. Like honestly, stfu. You think you’re ‘helping’ me by nagging at me, trying to make me upset to motivate me. No, that’s not what you’re doing at all. You’re just pissing me off to the point where I don’t care anymore. The more you nag, the more I don’t give a shit. Obviously I’m not 100% happy about my body, no one is, but I’m not complaining 24/7 about my weight. I’m not totally ashamed of it - if I was, I’d dress in the baggiest clothes possible - but I’m not totally proud of it either. Can you just leave me alone? And then you, mom, you get mad because I get mad at you. “Oh now you’re mad at me? Are you going to go cry?” NO I’M NOT GOING TO CRY. AND OBVIOUSLY I’M MAD. I hear this shit all the time.
For those of you that don’t really know me, my parents aren’t abusive or aren’t as bad as this post paints them to be. I love them very much. It’s just this subject comes up a lot and it’s getting to the point where I’m tired of hearing it. It drives me to want to move out forever.
+I cannot stand stupid ass people who don’t think for themselves. Like I say “oh I was late because we got a flat tire” “why were you late?” bitch, I just told you. Or “I’m extremely burnt from the beach today” “Did you go to the tanning place, and how did you burn?” AGAIN, I JUST TOLD YOU.
On another note, it’s hot as hell in Ontario, Canada atm. I’m sweating as I’m typing this and we have A/C, but of course, it’s not on. I want to sleep naked, but my door is open because it’s too hot to close it, and my mom wants to ‘run’ in the morning. Hahahahahaha. Paulina does not run. That’s why she is a whale.
+I just got off the phone with Allison. If you follow my blog at all, and actually read my posts, Allison is my best friend from Korea. We met in grade 8 and went through high school together. She went to university in Washington, and her family moved back to Korea, so Canada is no where in the equation.
We caught up with drama in our lives, awkward situations, and as always, reminisced about the ‘old days’. I missed hearing her voice so it was comforting to finally be able to verbally talk to her. Apparently, she’s quite popular with the Korean boys over there, hahahaha. 3 different guys wanting her, showing up at her window, giving chocolate and teddy bears. She always complained that no one liked her, now everyone does, which is no surprise, she is beautiful.
It’s weird that we’ve gone almost a year apart, and everything is so different. Yet, every time we speak on the telephone or skype, it’s as if nothing has changed at all. It’s like we’re on a long summer vacation, and things will go back to normal. It’s like I’ll see her in the morning and yell at her when she bugs me on purpose, because she knows I’m super grumpy in the AM.
I guess that’s what a best friend is all about. Being able go forever without talking, and when you do, it’s like nothing has changed. And I know that if I really needed her, she’d be there for me. She is just a phone call away. I know she knows it’s the same way for me.
I am completely and genuinely grateful for ALL of my best friends that I have in my life. You all are so important to me and each carry a huge chunk of my heart. I hope you all know that. You make me who I am, because each one of your unique personalities rub off on me, and you shape me for the better.
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My family is extremely dumb
There are some issues that have been blown WAY out of proportion. Honestly, all of you need to shut up. This was smoothed over a while ago, yet its being dragged out. Now people don’t want to go to my brother’s wedding. You are all selfish and immature. Grow up.
+You’re not supposed to bring me down
Every time I come home, the FIRST thing my parents say to me always deals with my weight. “What happened? You got fat!” “Stop eating so much” “Exercise” do this do that. You don’t even know how much that brings my spirit down. I understand that you want the best for me and yeah I admit I have to start working out or whatever, but honestly, can you just lay off a little? I’ve been through some drastic changes in the past 6 months, all very stressful and depressing, so can you please not jump on my weight every single time you see me? When I come home, I’m hopeful to be around people that love me, and I’m hopeful to get out of the feeling of depression that I’m always in when I’m at school. But yet, here it always is, it’s never a “Hi, we missed you” it’s just “Wow, look at my daughter, she got fatter”. I should drive all this depression into working out or something, that way everyone around me, and maybe even myself, will be happier.
+Can’t seem to get past this
This is like my third post about you. My dream last night made me remember how much I miss you, although it’s always at the back of my mind, my feelings just heightened today. With everything going on, I miss talking to you, seeing your face everyday, yelling at you to hurry up at your locker, having note races with you, checking something every month, I just miss you. You have two facebook accounts and won’t accept your new one, I don’t know if it’s unintentional, but the one you do have me on you don’t even log into. How the hell am I supposed to talk to you? When I said bye to you, I wasn’t expecting never to talk to you again. Your internet connection sucks, and I haven’t spoken to you in a few months. Even when I do ‘talk’ to you, it’s typing. I can’t even get ‘face-to-face’ conversations with you, or even hear your voice. I feel like I’ve lost you forever and I don’t want to feel like that. I hate it. So please, can you come back to me somehow? Help me get out of this daze that I’m in. I’m no longer happy and I need to talk to you. I just miss you, more than you know.
Love,
Your best friend.
Your very last day. Never knew I’d cry so hard.
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